About 17 years ago, a college friend came out of the closet about being gay to another friend and me. I remember at the time how honored I felt that he could feel safe enough and trust in me enough that he could reveal such a vulnerable side of himself that he had kept hidden for so long. I tried to imagine what it would be like to hide such a fundamental part of what is considered 'self'.  

At that point in time, I had been very open and confident about my cystic fibrosis (CF) with my peers for the past several years. My CF was something that I had accepted about myself, and had finally come to believe that others could accept about me as well. I wondered if my revealing my CF and trusting in them had been received and realized the same way. But as I reflected, I realized that my being open was not always the case, and that for the greater part of my adolescence I had felt my CF had been kept in the closet for fear of judgment, sympathy, or worst of all pity. I felt for a long period of time that I was not deserving of love from others, and that I could never be found attractive with such a significant flaw. 

I felt trapped, imprisoned within myself and harboring a self pity and pain that became so great that I attempted to take my own life. I found that the only key to open this prison, or let me out of this closet of hiding from who I truly was, was to accept myself and love myself before anyone else could. Whether it is for people dealing with their sexuality, a chronic illness or severe insecurity possibly related to bullying, being able to accept yourself with no regard to the reaction of others is the only way to become free of the confines we can so heavily place upon our selves. This is independence.

Friendships play a crucial role in fortifying such self confidence. I have been blessed in many ways, and with many friends who are able to see past the issues that I had once considered 'unlovable' about myself. I think that many people, like me, can honestly say that they are much harder on themselves than anyone else is. However, while this can be truly painful at times, it can also create a resilience against the forces of nature that at times can seem like too much to bear. 

In my 41 years of life with cystic fibrosis, I have come to find pride in who I am, the values I hold, and the people I have in my life. Making it through the difficulties and fears that were once so oppressive have created a freedom for me in my life with CF. This freedom allows me a quality of life that might never have been possible without having gone through the lifetime of challenges.  

As my friend who came out of the closet, with an approach of 'This is who I am. Love it or leave it.' this inspired me that, although faced with a different self-imposed oppression, the consequence of not confronting a life of pain, and trading it for a life of love and acceptance, was not an option for me.

On this Independence Day, I reflect not only on the physical battles that were fought by our ancestors against oppression in seeking a life of freedom, but also on the many personal and internal fights that are fought by many seeking a better life. Without this day, and without the freedom we enjoy on a daily basis, we would not even have the opportunity to face such internal struggles head on and would be forced to continue leading a life locked in a closet. 

Without accepting my CF, I may never have founded the CFLF, or helped 1,000 others sharing the physical and mental struggles I do, or loved myself in a way that now has allowed me to truly love someone else, and allowed me to receive their love in a way that has forever changed my life. My independence in facing and standing up to fear of judgment and perceived stigma from others has enabled my loving embrace of what I once considered a flaw, and is the key that opened many doors to my own freedom with CF.

Help Others Live STRONGER and LONGER- 

    

 

 

Brian Callanan is currently 40-years-old, and was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis at birth.  He is the Founder and Executive Director of the CFLF, and practices an active lifestyle primarily through swimming and cycling on and off road, but also enjoys snowboarding, hiking, sailing and rock-climbing. You may email him directly at brian@cflf.org.