Golf. It is my new obsession, or shall we say object of my attention and affection. I joke that I am like the golf channel: All golf - all the time. This isn't completely true as I am also a swim coach, a Cystic fibrosis patient and transplant recipient. However, lately my mind and body are focused on golf.

It all started with a free set of clubs. I knew nothing about golf. However, my grandmother was an accomplished amateur golfer. She always encouraged me to start playing, but I was never interested before. I honestly was never interested in any sports except for swimming. Even with that, the five years prior to my double lung transplant I barely even set foot in the water. Since then, I have become active in all kinds of physical activities. So much so that I would even dare to call myself a jock.

As a swim coach I always teach my students the fundamentals: How to float, kick, blow bubbles, and to correctly position their body. Learning fundamentals is key; without them you can't reach your greatest potential. Recently one of my students said to me, "I can't do this" and my response was, "Yes you can. You can't do it yet, because you are learning, but you will get it. You just have to practice." She looked at me with disbelief, "You are so optimistic" she replied. I responded with,  "Really?  Thank you. I believe you can do it." I feel that my golf coaches are providing me with the same kind of encouragement.

Swimming always came naturally to me. Golf on the other hand is humbling. That is why I have committed to taking 40 golf lessons in the next seven months. I originally wanted to learn to play a sport that I will be able to do one day when my lungs no longer work as well. But currently my goal is to compete in 18 holes for the 2016 Transplant games of America. I enjoy having a physical goal ahead of me. 

Last November I was struggling with my health. I noticed a tightness in my chest.  I was getting lung function tests every two weeks and watching my numbers slowly decline 2% every time.  I was concerned that a decline at this rate would mean in 1 year's time I would need a second transplant.  Fortunately, that ended up not being the case.  After being diagnosed with chronic rejection, I stabilized after medication changes and a surgical procedure.  This alleviated the concerns I had about needing another transplant.  Since then things have settled and I am still "within normal" function.  However, at the time, I was absolutely terrified when my health started to change.  It was paralyzing. I couldn't deal with the fear and uncertainty anymore.  At that point I decided to make a choice, I set my mind to focusing on what I did have, not what I didn't.  As I have a very competitive spirit, I knew that the only way to overcome the challenges was to push right through them. 

Learning golf as a beginner has proven to be quite a challenge. Trying to hit a tiny ball with a tiny-headed club is hard! My instructors continually tell me the game of golf is mental. I understand this concept well. Having CF has taught me how to mentally attack life. When I was short of breath, on 6L of oxygen and waiting for a life saving transplant; all I had was my mental strength. My physical strength had failed me. While coping with the uncertainty of the transplant waiting list; I developed mental focus, purpose, perseverance, hope, and joy that transcended my physical body.

My transplant was rough. My kidneys failed as a result of a complication during the transplant surgery. This took a major toll both physically and mentally. I needed dialysis for a month, but fortunately my kidneys returned to normal functioning. The stress of the kidneys, massive doses of drugs, and bed rest led to a major deterioration of my physical strength. When I was discharged after transplant, the simple act of stepping up a curb took every ounce of strength I had. Walking had become so difficult, it felt like I had lead pipes for legs. I knew I had to get up and walk multiple times a day, but it was hard. There were times it was too much and I wanted to stay in bed. I didn't feel mentally or physically strong enough. I was lucky and had a fantastic support system to push me through these times.

During my transplant recovery I attended pulmonary rehabilitation twice a week. This is where I learned how to exercise properly for the first time. I learned to take it slow. I started walking on the treadmill and doing fundamental muscle building with lunges, squats, and light weight lifting. I had to start with a slow 10-minute walk and lifting 1lb weights. It helped to have my coaches in rehab teach me the fundamentals I needed to know in order to build my body back. I was so sick just a few weeks before, it was difficult for me mentally to understand that with each step forward I was increasing my future potential. My confidence took longer to build than the strengthening of my body. I had always identified myself as the anti-athlete. It took a year for me to identify myself as a potential athlete.

Since then, I have been training for different competitions the better part of 4 years. The most important training was in the first year, building my foundation. First I got up that curb on my own. Rehab helped me to be able to walk a mile. I got back into the pool. Then I surfed for the first time. Then I ran a mile. Then I danced for an hour. Did Yoga. Started swimming workouts. Competed at the transplant games, and won! 

With golf, I am starting again at the basics. Learning a new sport focuses on the same fundamentals as recovery. It is both mental and physical. Learning golf has been an adventure of two steps forward, one step back. But I continue to persevere with purpose and one goal in mind: June 2016. To achieve this goal, I must first learn the fundamentals of golf: How to set up, rhythm, posture, the swing, body rotation, head placement. The mental fortitude I gained from being ill translates into all of life's challenges. When I have a hard time golfing and can't seem to hit the ball correctly, I always say to myself  "I'm learning". I have faith in the process because I have lived the process. I truly believe that mental strength and focus affects daily functioning. If you think it, you live it. 

The support I receive from my golf coaches is integral to my success. They are supporting me through both the mental and physical struggles of learning to play golf. Not only do they guide me to the proper swing, but they provide emotional support and motivation. They have given words of encouragement and have invested their time and energy in my game. They have told me that they see potential in me, and I believe them. If it wasn't for two guys believing in me, I don't think I could do it alone. They are holding me accountable and getting me through each step of the learning process.

If I were to share some advice from my own experience it would be: When your physical abilities become limited, as often is the case with CF and transplant, keep focused, set goals, and visualize. The mind is a very strong muscle. Even when you are physically at your weakest, your mind has the potential to be at its strongest.

Starting at the fundamental level when it comes to athletics sets the foundation for success. Starting from the beginning and progressing slowly helps us build upon our own strengths. Each step leads us in the right direction. I am not the overly optimistic type that believes "if you dream it, you can do it". I am more the realistic type, "if you work hard, you can achieve it". There are physical limitations to many goals, but if there is something you want to do, start at the beginning. I try to practice what I preach. I challenge you reading this to not let fear stand in your way. If you want to achieve a goal - start at the beginning. Use your mind as a guide for your strength, not you muscles. Those will come with time. I learned a great lesson in learning how to walk again: Put one foot in front of the other and you will end up where you want to be. I wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't work on stepping up that curb. My question to you is: What will your first step be?

 

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Anna Modlin is 34 years old.  She was diagnosed with Cystic fibrosis at 18 months old, and native to the San Francisco Bay Area. She works as the private swim lesson coordinator at her local YMCA and coaches both kids and adults in swimming.  She has volunteered with Cystic Fibrosis Research Inc. for the past 16 years planning the CF Summer Retreat.  She also volunteers as a Donate Life Ambassador, and is the assistant manager for Team NorCal for the Transplant Games of America.  She loves dancing, cooking, traveling, and her 3 cats.