I first met Hannah (aka Papercut) in 2008, when she was the new team member to our college’s ambassador program.  Immediately, we didn’t like each other.  We were both hot, both dancers, both incredibly modest.   When we signed up to give tours to prospective students, we tried to track which ones later enrolled in the school and who was the better guide.   Our competitive nature reached a new peak when I found out she actually kissed the one guy in the school I had a huge crush on! 

On a late night envelope-stuffing-fest, she kept accidentally cutting herself on the envelopes.  Meanwhile, I was alphabetizing and literally had to write out the alphabet because restating it every 3rd envelope was mildly annoying.  I called her “Papercut” and she said, “you alphabetize like a monkey”. 

Somewhere between her 43rd knick and my 26 letters, we decided to join forces and run the ambassador program until we both graduated with highest honors (I had the 4.0, but she took the more difficult classes).  

Currently she has a great insurance career, is a loving wife, and avid marathoner.  We see each other every year and talk almost every day.  And yes, she’s still hot. 

Below is an interview I did with her on our friendship, and her take on having a friend with CF.

_______

 

When did you know I had CF?

You told me. I really hadn’t noticed because we had only really interacted when you were feeling well, but you had to go into the hospital so you ‘fessed up. Our first adventure in the hospital painting nails, thinking there was a ghost in the hall, and trying to not get into trouble is still one of the best moments in my life. It was when I knew we would be ok. We didn’t need you to be well. We just needed each other.

 

What was different about me?

You were weird like me and we had a similar sense of humor. We never judge each other or put each other down (and actually mean it). We both are secure enough to cheer on each of our successes. You could keep up with my smart-alek behavior and dish it right back. CF isn’t who you are to me. It’s just something you have to deal with.

 

What is difficult for you?

Your having CF is difficult for me because I can’t fix it. I want to be able to help or make it better. Nobody wants to see their best friend be sick and be powerless to help them. It’s also hard whenever you get hospitalized because I never know if I should fly there because it is really bad, or if I should just amuse you by trying to get you to hold your breath and scare the nurse when the monitors go off.  

 

How is our friendship different than your others?

Our friendship is different than others in that I always make it a priority. We don’t have the luxury of assuming that there will be time someday. I don’t know how long I will get to keep my best friend, so I never take my time with you for granted. I try to never get disconnect or go too long without checking in. I also don’t obsess over little disputes because I never want it to be the last thing we did as friends.

 

Hardest thing to watch?

The hardest things to watch are what I call the “downswings”. It is when you are starting to deteriorate, but are fighting it. I know eventually you will have to check-in to the hospital and I feel like you always think it means you lost your battle. I don’t care how many battles you lose as long as you keep winning the war.

 

Does my life expectancy ever get to you?

Sometimes, but mostly I appreciate that it forces me to be a better person and friend. Plus, I always hope they find the drug that makes you well enough to be around until we are old and grey. I won’t spend what time I have with you feeling bad about things I can’t change. It’s hard, but it isn’t as hard as not having you in my life.

 

What have you watched me go through that is unique to others?

What is unique to me about CF is that is looks so normal. You’re very fit and attractive, like I imagine most with CF are, but yet they are dying. It is just so unlike most diseases that it is hard to believe that the person you are looking at could be gone within the year. It always feels like a surprise when they get sick yet again, because they are always up until they are down. I feel like it must be so hard to explain to the people you encounter every day.

 

What do you admire?

I admire that you never quit. You fight on. You aren’t willing to quit even for a second. You still believe in love and happiness. You still have great joy and peace (sometimes) ;-) even though you have dealt with so much.

 

What do you think is the worst part of having CF?

I think the worst part is that it makes you second guess if you deserve to be loved. You are a beautiful, funny, brilliant, and caring woman. It doesn’t matter that you have CF, you deserve to be loved just the way you are.

 

How would you live with this disease?

I hope I would live with it like you do. I think you handle it perfectly. Thankfully, I don’t though or we couldn’t be best friends.

 

What could I do differently?

I would just want you to realize that you deserve to be happy and loved.

 

What mistakes do I make?

My best friend makes no mistakes. She just takes the scenic route to the answer sometimes.

 

What do I do right?

You keep fighting and keep smiling. You live your life with as much gusto as you can summon up and don’t apologize to anyone for it.

 

Have you ever had to defend me because a stranger/friend noticed my cough and gave a weird look/vibe?

Not that I can recall, but then again I don’t really spend much time paying attention to other people when you are around. You are usually the most interesting person in the room. I know I have made a conscious effort not to treat you any different because you have CF. I don’t stare at you when you start coughing and I hope that my disinterest cues other people to not pay any attention. I don’t baby you or ask if you are alright all the time. I tell you my honest opinion about your choices and decisions even if I know you won’t like what I have to say. I trust you to tell me if you need me because you know I would drop everything to be there for you.

 

How has knowing me changed your perception of those fighting with a terminal illness?

It has taught me to be kind to those around me. Not everyone is ok that looks ok. And just because something won’t last forever doesn’t mean it isn’t worth spending your time on. Not everyone on disability is lazy and a fraud. Health insurance is a big deal and it matters now when I am making political decisions.

 

Klyn is a 27 year old licensed Zumba instructor in Southern California who is a member of the Board of Directors, and Chairwoman of Board Development for the CFLF, newly elected to CF Roundtable board, and CF Act Now. When she isn't dancing, she stays busy by...wait...she's always dancing.