I remember the first day I realized I was afraid to die. I was in the hospital and my doctor came in to show me an x-ray of my lungs. More importantly a part of my lungs that had collapsed and he didn't think would ever heal again completely. I am sure he said more than that, but that is all that I heard. My mom was there so I just held it all in. Told her it would be okay. Told her I was fine. But I wasn’t. James (my boyfriend at the time) came to steal me away that day and we snuck off to sit in the parking lot at the University of Vermont (UVM) and watch field hockey. Instead, I cried the whole time. And that’s when I finally said it.

 

I was afraid to die. I slowly let my imagination run free and it didn’t end there. I was afraid to die young, to die sick, to die without a family of my own, or would it be worse to die with one? Did I want kids? Can I have kids? Do I want my kids to watch me die... be it when they are young or old… do I want to put them through that… can I find a man that I trust enough to leave alone with my babies? Or should I just…die alone? Is it worse to be missed or to have to miss out? What if I get sick... and never get better? What if I never get to be a bride… what if my dad never gets to walk me down the aisle?  Will my family be okay?   What if we find a cure for cystic fibrosis (CF) but it doesn’t work for me?  What If I get diabetes… what if I get arthritis… what if I have to spend months in the hospital... what if I stop gaining weight…what if I cant afford my medication? What if, what if, what if?  

We all can “what if” forever. Granted some of us have more valid “what if’s” than others. I have realized, unless CF is cured it could very well kill me. Some day…I won’t be able to do it anymore. I will fight this thing my whole life… just to have it win in the end (or I could get hit by a bus). And I have to be okay with that because between now and then (with many moments of weakness I am sure) I WILL LIVE. I will fight and I will try my hardest to only worry about the things I can control.… TAKE control of what I can… Make tough decisions and stand behind them. Be strong when I can, and let others be strong for me when I can’t.

I know that NO ONE without CF will ever know exactly what I am going through. But would I, for one minute, want them to? No. Living with CF, and everything that comes along with it, is hard. The strength I see in people with CF that fight every day to stay alive is amazing.

 

After I have one of my hard days and am done feeling bad for myself, and scared, I realize how lucky I am, for everything that I do have. Right now. Family, friends, my mild sanity, my exceptional field hockey skills, and stunning good looks …. The lists of why I am lucky is way longer than why I am not.

At some point it hit me… I am more scared to NOT LIVE the life that I have, than I am of dying. My legs can walk, run, and nervously shake, my arms can lift, hold hands, and type. My eyes see, open, and close. My heart beats, and loves. My ears hear. My voice can yell and sing (although not well). My mind thinks and hopelessly wanders. Parts of my body work perfectly. For that I am thankful. 

There are some people who can’t walk or run. People who have lost hope. People who never got a chance to fight for their lives. People who would do anything to get the feeling back in their legs so they could run on the sand. People who can’t pick up a flower or even smell it for that matter. This is why I workout. This is why I am going to control my life and my body in whatever ways I can. For myself, but also for everyone out there who can’t. We all take things for granted. But my body isn’t going to be one of them. I will not take for granted the time I have.

 

A little more than a year ago I was running along on the treadmill at the gym, with a membership that was first given to me a few years before from a CFLF Recreation Grant.  So many times I had left the gym wondering “what the heck did I even do in the last two hours?”  This is when I saw the infomercial for Focus T25. Shaun T’s newest at home work-out. I went home that night and ordered it, and I haven’t been to the gym since. At this point I would love to get back into the gym because I would actually know what I was doing! T25 is a 15-week program with three different stages in it.

After the first four weeks I was hooked. I quickly realized I was never in a bad mood after a work-out that actually… worked. My mother started to think there was something wrong with me and I had no problem admitting that I was addicted. There was something so satisfying about being able to finish what you couldn’t have even started a month earlier.

The sweat that poured off my face was proof of my hard work, and I had finally found something to put into my daily routine that I wanted to do. Something that I controlled and was good for me. It didn’t involve nebulizers or a handful of pills. Just me working my butt off for 30 minutes. Soon enough my mom, sister, aunts, and even my grandmother were doing T25. Seeing someone get in shape and make new healthy habits is contagious. Happiness, positivity, and determination are all contagious. Apparently the line “feel my bicep” is also contagious because I hear that way too much now. I am in better shape, my body is stronger and leaner and I FINALLY HAVE TRICEPS. Life totally made.

 

I was recently hospitalized for two weeks in January, had sinus surgery, and a "tune-up". It had been two years since my previous hospitalization and my doctors thought it was simply time. Before I was 18 I had not been hospitalized at all. After I graduated High School I was hospitalized every year for five years. For those next two years that I did not go in, I changed two things, first, I cut milk out of my diet. Second was working out.

Now I have no idea if not drinking two gallons of milk a week has anything to do with my staying in better health, but I am not about to test it out. When I was in High School I played two sports a year and I played field hockey all year. I still play field hockey year round, in thanks to my other CFLF Recreation Grants. Now that I have committed to keeping an active lifestyle I can confidently say that staying compliant with my meds and staying active has made a difference in my health. Maybe its because of the confidence being fit gives me, maybe its because my lungs are actually working better. Who knows and who cares.

 

We all need something that, no matter what, makes us feel good. Something that we can run to to make us forget whatever else is going on in our lives. For me it has always been field hockey. Working out is now a close second. So what is it going to be for you? Running? Swimming? Horseback riding? FIND SOMETHING. Something that makes you happy and makes you feel like you could do anything.  

So here is a “What if?”  for you... What if you get off your bum, decide you want to make a change, and actually do it? Do it for yourself, the people who love you, and for everyone else out there who can’t do the simple things that the rest of us can. Then get back to me in a year. I promise, you won’t regret it. And you will probably be able to cross a “what if” off of your list.  

A year ago today, I couldn’t do a push up. Now I can do 20. A year ago today I worried I’d never get to hold my Dad’s hand down the aisle. On August 6th, 2016, I will do just that. A year ago today I hadn’t done one T25 workout, now I have done close to 300. A year ago today, I was still the same girl…Now I am just a little bit stronger.  

INSPIRED BY THIS ARTICLE?

 

Kayla Flint is a 25 year old Vermonter, and also a four time CFLF Recreation Grant recipient. She loves field hockey, working out, and spending time with friends and family. Her family started The Three Day Stampede Towards the Cure for Cystic Fibrosis, a Non-Profit Vermont Event that has sent over $1,423,433 to the CF Foundation for programs and research. Check them out online for more information. You can follow Kayla on instagram @breatheeasy824